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| on provision,
so unlike most of my other posts, this one will not include any bickering or complaining or stupid feelings on my part. today i went to the ER(emergency room) because i had an acute pain on my right side. it was a kidney stone(which by the way is a rather excruciating ordeal). all day i could only wonder...wonder what God was doing...how He was working in my life. this year i had the chance to do something that i have not been able to do in two years and that is attend a christian leadership camp entitled super summer. as we began to depart, the pain flared up. to make a long story short: the Lord provided for me in ways unimaginable. ways i didn't even know i needed to be provided for. this day(and every other one) is a monument to the greatness and mercy of our Loving Father and Sustainer. this afore mentioned youth function(which had always been a meaningful experience for me) seems to be out of reach. i was ordered to visit a doctor tomorrow for a follow up and i was going to have to cut my time short on the last day for a trip to atlanta to visit my sister. so the question is...i know God is trying to teach me something, but what is that? His provision was so utterly complete and evident that i cannot help but to see His wonderful hand at work. but what could that be? makes one wonder what is coming up over the horizon...but anyways...this post is a proclamation- a declaration of God's lovingkindness and His vast provision for those who are humbled by their own circumstances. oh how He cares for the weak and helpless! anyways...i am here because of grace and it is by grace, for grace, and through grace that i wish you all the best and hope that my post encourages others and glorifies the Lord rightly.
XIII | | |
| on old things and new,
old thing: the lowly manner in which i esteem myself. new thing:level of self inflicted anguish. recently i have been exposed to certain situations in which my inadequacies have been sharply contrasted by the statements, actions, and behaviors of others. i do not quite remember ever feeling the way that i do now. this feeling of emptiness, the one in which my chest feels like it has a one ton wieght pressing upon it, is by no means a welcome one. as longtime stu fans have probably discovered from previous posts, i do not quite feel like i belong. this feeling has invaded my life once again. maybe one day i will. anyways... onto the more positive and always present installment of the stu xanga... this hurt is so sharp and so painful because i want, i desire, i think i need certain things. i don't require a home, friends or even a breath. every second that i exist was/is/will be a gift coming from the Father. every friend, every experience, everything. my priorities are most definitely out of line...Jesus is my friend, and i will ALWAYS belong in Him and with Him. He is all i need and how often i lose sight of this ever apparant truth. if all my hope, desires, and aspirations were in Him, than i would never feel hurt or despair. He never fails...never has, never will. so here i stand, a sinner in need of a Savior. thankful for the trials and tribulations that teach me to lean more on Him and call on His name in all aspects of my own life.(sorry if incoherent, redundant, or incomprehendible...but once again...you made the choice to read it)
XIII | | |
| on life,
once again...sorry for the long withdrawal from the online journaling. but my lengthy(and usual) abscence will be put to an end...only to begin again shortly after i post this bad boy. anyways...a question i pose to all those( all three of you) who read this...have you ever walked into a party and everything and everyone stopped, leaving you with the feeling that they were just waiting for you to leave before they carried on? sorry...that's kind of how i feel. ok...now onto business...i titled this post life solely because i really did not plan to speak on one specific topic thus i chose a generic topic. i find this season of my existence to be incredibly bittersweet. mostly sweet and just enough bitter to taste. i am leaving...changing...once again my world will be rocked by a change of environment, people, events, and circumstances. i am eagerly awaiting...and yet fearfully dreading this huge transition. some i leave behind with joy...others with tears...somethings i will never miss...others i will miss dearly. i guess change is inevitable...well not always(and the faithful few who were wondering how i was going to include God in this...here it is...)God has always been, is, and will always be the same. the same eternal, loving, compassionate judge and father. one who is so pure and perfect that He hates the sin in my life so much that i was condemned to hell, but loves me enough to send His Son(the only worthy sacrifice...propitiation) to wash me clean and allow me to approach Him as a son and recipient of love and grace. point is...not all things change. even though my circumstances and life changes, He will not. my faith, my assurance is in the Lord. i leave you all with this message of hope...no matter what you are going through/will go through God is constant and eternal and will never fail. i hope this has been insightful into the life of stu and has guided my readers to ponder on the many wonderful and awesome(both the original meaning of the words...brings wonder and strikes awe...) attributes of our incredible God. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit...i thank you for your love and prescence in my life, for saving me, redeeming me, and teaching me to follow your ways. amen.
"and as always; keep looking up!"- jack horkheimer a.k.a. that guy on pbs who tells about when the stars are visible
XIII | | |
| on grace,
wow. i know it has been quite some time since i last found the time, energy or self-control to post on this site. time-speaks for itself as does energy, but self-control...well...that's a different story. you see...there were a list of chose words and sentences that i would have enjoyed expressing ever so bitterly and cynically. i post now with no intention of this act of hate because...(were it not for conviction where would i be?)...of grace. what a beautiful word. the word itself is only appealing because it is the concrete component of an idea so abstract to us as humans...forgiveness because of love. you see it is not just forgiveness...but so much more. i chose to forgive(out of love) because that is the invitation and example set before me. God did not send Jesus to absolve sin and restore joy and righteousness because He had to...He is God- He does not have to do anything. but because our Father is kind and loving as well as holy and righteous He sent His only Son-true love- to save us. every morning i wake, i find myself in a dilemma- how can i(a infinitely sinful man) maintain a relationship with God(an infinitely righteous and powerful being)? the truth is...Jesus. i am united with Him as a bride to her groom and in that we are one. as one i take up the righteousness and salvation of Christ that i may approach the throne of Grace with confidence...and He takes my death, damnation and shame...bearing it on a cross and defeating it once and for all. Death had no power over Him, hell could not hold Him in and no shame could remain in so sinless and perfect a man. Grace. how i love and need it. as those who are closer to me know...i tend to beat myself up and not ever forgive myself-for anything. as this type of person the idea of grace simply astounds me and moves me. Christ once again does that which i am not capable of doing...forgiving the wretch that i am. Grace is music to the ears, beauty to the eyes, another day, another breath, the chance to praise God, the oppurtunity to wake up, the oppurtunity to take up our cross and follow Him. i pray for all those out there who just struggled to read another incoherent(you chose to read it) post, that these words may somehow remind you to appreciate grace and life and that these reflections and ruminations of a heavy heart made light may point toward its Maker and Lover. Grace and Peace to you all in Christ Jesus my Lord.
XIII | | |
| on XIII
apparently everybody's got their own. here is the story behind mine. like many things, it is symbolic. XIII stands for everything inside me...all my heart is, lives for, and beats for. all things heroic...swords, mysterious moonlit nights, dragons, journeys, maidens, sunsets, hardships, triumphs, snow, cloudy memories of joyous times...all things transcendant. so often i beat myself up because my heart longs for these things but my actions and words so contradicts this XIII. i am so like those hard-hearted, stiff-necked idolators, constantly running around on my God and His perfect will for my life. so many times i am too busy prostituting my beliefs and goals to fit in, "feel good"(whatever that means...), or so many other absolutely hollow and shallow means to pursue this life i have been called to. the beautiful thing about it is...God. He is holy, righteous, perfect, just, unchanging...(i know...according to these attributes, it's not looking too good for me, a being deserving of death because i've so missed the mark set out for me...but keep reading...) but He is so loving and gracious. God requires holiness...for my life(and yours) to be set apart from all of this absurd fallacy that society calls living...free from all things that burden and weigh down...from all things that keep us away from Him. i fall so short of that mark all the time. (this is the beautiful part...) God loved me(and you) so much that He chose to send His son to this earth to show us how to do this and take our place as unworthy. this is where grace comes in. God never breaks a covenant and stills holds completely true to His standards and still finds a way to love us...even as sinful as we are.(sounds like adventure and danger and risk...a huge risk...to send His Son...who was all God and all man...to come down here and woo our stubborn hearts and call us back to true life and true love...God is daring indeed.) so in this season, as with all other times, i offer thanks in my heart for all things that were written there by the Father and His very nature and likeness. for all things wild and beautiful...all things dangerous and adventourous....but most of for love and grace. thank you Almighty Father.
XIII | | |
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